Seasons Greetings From WSC' or 'Wreck the Malls'
by keiman and kei
Summary: Each year around the holidays I always try and write a new ff pastiche re this beloved ghostly tale. Of course, my versions would shock most Victorian Era inhabitants especially Chas Dickens himself but I claim writer's license and- enjoy your read!


This year I have decided to put a new twist on Chas Dickens's ghostly tale of Christmastide- A Christmas Carol- so please allow me to set the scene for you.

First, it is now 7 years after Ebenezer Scrooge (Junpei from Those Who Hunt Elves) has seen the light of Christmas. Nephew Fred Wilson (Spike Steigel from Cowboy Bebop) and Bob Cratchit (Lord Aizen of Bleach) are now partners in WCS Enterprises, a new firm that provides video Christmas eCards to most of the retailers in the world.

Sure OK, it is AD 1850 but it's my pastiche tale or saga so I can have technology piquing during the Industrial Revolution if I want! Everyone uses 'vidphones' which most of my DP readers are familiar with which do multiple duties as PDOs (Personal Data Organizers), phones, computers, comm relays, medical tricorders of Trek fame and of course, weapons.

Ebenezer, as usual, stumbles into the parlour of the WCS firm as drunk as a lord on Christmas Eve. Fred's in a vile mood because he has just gotten the bills from the brand new 'Higurashi Mall' where his wife Lucinda Wilson (Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop) thinks Christmastide's motto should be 'Charge it' and 'Wreck the Malls' both of which she has done w/ her partner-in-crime, Ms Thelma Harper Cratchit (Thelma 'Mama' Harper from TV's 'Mama's Family') .

Bob has been going over the books and explaining to Fred that many of their customers have asked for credit extensions until after the new year. Now we shall begin at the beginning where nobody is dead nor has been as dead as a doornail (BTW, what the Hell IS a 'doornail' anyway?) but two or three of our characters are a bit 'under the weather' as it were.

'Seasons Greetings From the WSC' or 'Wreck the Malls'

DISCLAIMER: I wish to apologize to the creators whose works and characters we intend to use herein. I am certain sure that they ever expected their charactyers to behave as they will be doing in my latest Carol pastiche nor has this fine old ghostly yarn ever been rendered in this manner. And you folks thought that my first pastiche (Kei's Dream Sequences in 'Christmas with the Dirty Pair circa 1999 I believe) w/ Scrooge and Marley as hired mercenary killers was wild huh? Try this 2019 version on for size.

As always thankee to the creators and if anyone cares to use my own creations, feel free so to do so long as I am given proper credit for it or them. Now w/o any further ado, allow me to introduce Mr Frederick G Wilson and the 'G' stands for greed! He's been hanging around Parliament too long, man!

STAVE 1: "Bobby! Where are the latest invoices? Good Goose Gravy! Are these Lucy's bills for the whole month, man?" roared 'Frederick G Wilson' angrily. His partner cringed and cleared his throat.

"No, Freddie they ain't. That batch is just for the last three days, pal. 'Mama's (Referring to Thelma Harper Cratchit, Bob's goodwife) haven't come across the vidscreens yet. Oh no! Another bill from 'Kohaku Higurashi' for damages caused by you-know-who, Fred!" replied 'Bob Cratchit' who was fingering the 'Glock 7' automatic blaster under his frock coat.

"This is the last straw, Rapid Robert! Lu and 'Mama' think we are made of money! And turn off that damned Christmas music! I want Lucy's credit vidcards cancelled immediately before we end up in the Alms House! I strongly suggest that you cut off 'Mama' as well! Where's the 'Galusol'? My gut's in an uproar!" growled Fred. Just then the portals crashed open and 'he' stumbled across the threshold!

"Merry Christmas, nephew, Bobby! A merrier Christmas I have given you for many many a year, lads! No more work tonight! Christmas Eve, Dickie. Christm,as, Ebenezer. Clear away these tables and let's have lots of room! And therefore-" screeched 'Ebenezer Scrooge' who collapsed in a heap on the hearth rug by the fireplace!

"We're back!" squealed 'Thelma Harper Cratchit', stepping on the drunken Scrooge and holding up her vidphone so both of the other gentlemen could see the pictures of all the junk they had just bought at the Mall. Bob sighed, Fred scowled and Ebenezer hiccupped. Then they all jumped when they heard a crash above their heads on the roof of the just remodelled Victorian mansion at 25 (No Longer) Miserable Lane in London's Whitechapel district which was office and also home for both the Wilsons and the Cratchits as well as the owner, Mr E Scrooge, Esquire.

"What in the 7 Hells of Dante's Inferno was that?" screamed 'Mama'.

"Nine. Nine Hells not seven, 'Mama'." corrected Bobby. "It's Lucy of course." grumbled Fred. "Ring for 'Rose' ('Sister Rosette' of Chrno Crusade) to bring a pot of strong black coffee for Uncle Ebby." he added as the room shimmered and a tall blonde woman materialized.

"Black w/ a little cream and sugar, please! The Spirit of Christmas Past here already? You aren't due until the bell tolls one, my dear!" slurred Ebenezer. "In his cups again, huh? Darling, you are going to have to move old St Nicky and his sleigh to the other roof or there won't be any space for left for my speeder to park. Did 'Mama' show ya all the cool stuff we bought for Christmas, Freddie dear?

"Oh and by the way, we stopped for drinks on the way home at 'Battle Moon Alpha Centauri' and none of my vidcards worked! Poor 'Thelma' had to use hers to settle the bill. They must have expired so please do make sure they are OK to use by tomorrow, dearest. I'm bushed. Have 'Ro' bring my dinner up to my room. There's a good little boy. 'Night." said 'Lucinda', pressing her belt buckle's 'traveling stone transporter' control and vanishing from sight which caused Ebby to sit up and spill the java that 'Rose' had just poured for the old geezer.

"That broad's gonna be the cause of my insanity, Bobby. Will you please see Uncle Eb to his room? I think I am beginning to see why he used to hate Christmas so damned much. Oh and when are the kids coming?" replied Fred. Bob consulted his PDO unit and frowned.

"My brood will be here tomorrow around 1100 hours but your two are flying down tonight and should be here before midnight, my friend." answered Bobby.

Here I had best explain the families.

We all know that Bob and Thelma have Peter (Kenpach Zaraki of Bleach. He is now a barrister), Belinda (Ino from Naruto. She is a private detective), Martha (Kei O'Halloran of Dirty Pair. She is an Interpol police inspector and married to Zane Zenigata of Lupin III. Zane is now Chief Inspector Interpol's London offices), Edith (My OC Edie Jordan who works an an Interpol file clerk at the rank of Sub-Ensign. Sorry to my readers but yes, I did demote her but only for this pastiche) and of course, 'Tiny' Timothy (Saitama of One-Punch Man. Tim is now a real hero w/ a 'C' Class ranking. Don't ever piss him off because his punch is dynamite).

Fred and Lucinda have two girls both away at school- one as a student and one as the school's headmistress. Ariana (Ari of Those Who Hunt Elves) is headmistress at 'Hags R Us Academy' while her younger sister Risuke (Reez-Kay)(Risuke of Those Who Hunt Elves) is a third form schoolgirl student studying witchcraft and sorcery under the very esteemed 'Professor Edward Potter', great-grandfather of the beloved Harry Potter.

"Flying down? When did Ariana get her pilot's license restored I wonder? I hope 'Rizzy' ain't flying a speeder. She's only ten!" yelped Fred. "I believe they are flying down here with 'Ed' on his 'jet stick'." replied Bobby. He knew damned well that the doddering old fool could not manage himself on a jet stick let alone ride on one w/ two rambunctious girls! But he would never ever tell Fred the whole truth. Just then there was a second crash on the roofs above them.

"They're here, sirs." said 'Rose' who was cleaning up the java mess having just come down from tucking the wives into bed for the night. "No doubt about it, Freddie. We are gonna need a new roof." quipped Bobby. Two bright yellow flames suddenly appeared on the hearth rug. As they slowly materialized, while the smaller figure was bright and cheerful, the taller one was clearly loaded!

'Risuke Wilson', a lovely ten year old redhead was dressed neatly in the latest 'Hags R Us' uniform which included a long flowing blue cloak not unlike what nurses would be wearing in less than half a century.

"Hi Dad, Uncle Bobby. Mom and Auntie have a few too many again? I saw the wrecked speeder on the roof. Oh, excuse me while I help 'Ariana' off with her furs and- Holy Hannah! Dad! Ariana's naked as a jaybird uner her traveling furs!" cried Fred's youngest daughter. Fred sighed and pulled the bell rope to summon 'Rose'. He sometimes wondered how they ever got along without her and then again, why the poor girl stayed with them at all?

"Yes, Master Fred, sir? I'm in the kitchen getting out me fresh scones for the young ladies, sir." said a disembodied refined and cultured lady's voice. At one time 'Rose' had studied for the 'Sisterhood' but had soon lost interest and turned to serving wench duties instead. "Uh bring some clothes and underthings for Miss Ariana, Rose, if you don't mind." Fred spoke into the aether and instantly his invaluable maid had materialized beside the girls, her arms full of ladies' garments. Risuke touched her 'traveling stone' belt buckle and the three women and the clothes vanished from Fred and Bobby's sight.

Bob yawned and stretched and then bid his partner a tired good night and retired to his own bedchambers. Fred replied in kind and told Bobby that he too would not staying up much longer.

"Christmas? Bah! Humbug! I hate Christmas! I wish I'd never been born dammit all!" Fred mumbled mostly to himself, carefully avoiding stepping on 'Toby' the household canine.

"Do ye now? Do ye indeed, lad?" chuckled a strange and scary voice from the shadows.

END of STAVE 1

STAVE 2: "What in Heaven's name? Who- who said that? Show yourself if you dare!" snarled a thoroughly plastered Fred Wilson.

"Not Heaven, lad, that's fer damned sure, sir. Here I be, yer worship. But- didst thou meaneth what thou hath just uttered, sir?" asked a small short squat fellow with a long flowing black beard dressed entirely in Lincoln green.

"I've heard of Robin Hood's Little John but this is ridiculous! Who or what are you, sir?" snapped Fred, leveling an ancient fowling piece musket at the little man. "Hast thou ever been to Ireland, laddie?" asked the short little pest and Fred had to admit that he had never been to Erin in his life.

"More's the pity then, me boyo. I am what ye would call a Leprechaun. And to anticipate thy next question, sir, no, I am not here to share me gold with ye. I be a bit strapped fer cash this year so I am takin' over fer 'Angel Clarence' who will some day save George Bailey's bacon fer him and so gain his wings but that be another tale, laddie.

"But I digress, lad. Did ye mean that ye wished to never ha'e been born at all? Think carefully afore ye answers, laddie." said 'Padraic of Galway'. 'Nah! I was jest blowin' off steam ,man. But I do hate Christmas. Uncle Ebenezer was right to hate the holiday I reckon. Uh, what the devil's that thing, kid?" asked a wary Fred. "This chain ye means, sir? Why, this be yer own chain o' life, Freddie me old boyo. At the verra stroke o' midnight, I will be a-binding this chain around yerself and ye will be a-wearin' it fer all eternity.

"Ye sees what it be made of, eh? eCards, code keys, vidphones, vidscreens and the like. Why ye asks? Because ye dinna wanna help yer fellow man er men and o' course, ladies. Now what was it Clare told me? Oh yeah, now I remembers! Ye has still gots a chance o' escaping yer Fate. Ye kin thank Bobby Cratchit fer that chance. He thinks ye dezarves it.

"I will take ye back to yer past life and show ye life withoot yerself, sair. Damn! (Padraic pulled out a huge turnip watch of ancient beaten gold) Nah, too late now. I have been summoned back to the Knoll by King Brian. He be our Leprechaun King and I daren't be late.

"Instead I'll send ye the Spirits o' Christmas Past, Present and uh, Future to see ya tonight, tomorry night and the next night at 1 AM each o' them nights er uh, mornings I mean. Ye got about a half an hour afore the first one shows up. Look to see me no more unless ye swipes me crock o' gold! Good Night, Master Wilson." said Padraic the Leprechaun who proceeded to vanish into the aether which caused Fred to drop the bottle of Skotch onto the hearth rug. Good thing he had not yet uncorked it!

"Poppycock and indigestion and worrying about Lu's spending and wrecking. Ya know her and Thelma Cratchit are a real 'Dirty Pair'!" mused Fred aloud, bending down to retrieve his bottle.

"Be careful about using that name in vain, Mr Wilson. If you don't mind, sir, I could use a drink of that 'Cuts the Mark' Skotch." said a short bespectacled older gentleman wearing outlandish attire who seemed to have just materialized beside the astonished Fred Wilson. Then he was shaken out of his boots by the bonging of 'Big Benjamin' which could be heard clearly across the length and breadth of 1850 London.

END of Stave 2.

Stave 3: "Who or what the Hell are you, man? I haven't beeen drinking that much tonight, have I?" slurred Fred. "Do sit down, my good fellow, before you fall down and you had better hand that bottle to me, sir." said the gentleman.

"Whoa Nellie! You ain't the first spirit that stupid shoemaker was yakking about, are ya?" yelped Fred, downing the Skotch handed to him by the other fellow.

"The same, sir. I am the Spirit of Christmas Past but you may call me Charles. Sorry, my full name is Charles Augustus Milverton Garner. In my other situation as I believe they were called in this time era, I was a Territorial Sector Chief of the Aquarian Galaxy, sort of like a police commissioner today, sir. (Fred was staring at the old grandfather clock) Relax, sonny. We have until dawn or cockcrow whichever term pleases you to use but we had best be off. (Fred glanced at portal and window but Charles grinned and pointed at the ceiling).

"No magic I'm afraid, sir. However, my shuttle craft is parked on your roof beside a speeder that has seen better days." chuckled Mr Garner of the 3WA (A character from Dirty Pair Flash anime).

"Oh no! Lucy hasn't wrecked another one, has she?" whined Fred who was still nursing his drink. Charles tossed down his own while Fred was staring at the weirdest looking speeder he had ever seen in all of his 37 summers!

"Not quite what you were expecting, Mr Wilson, is it? Take my hand (Fred's face wore a look of shock)- no, we are not going to jump off the roof, son. You see no portals on my craft, do you. (Fred shook his head) That is because we must 'transport' within. Just touch a fingertip to my hand if that amkes you feel better, sir." instructed Charles Garner and Fred gingerly touched a fingertip to the palm of the other man's hand.

POOF! The next thing he knew, Fred was standing in the middle of a huge gallery. The walls were covered with paintings and tapestries and the room seemed endless, certainly much bigger than would seem from the outside. (Charles grinned).

"yes, it is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, sonny. Quantum mechanics and quantum physics is how Dr Cueball (Another DP Flash character) explained it to me. This is called a TARDIS (Time As Relative (to) Distance In Space) and I borrowed it from Doctor Number Two (Dr Who's second regenerated form played on TV by Patrick Troughton) when Paddy comm relayed me to take his place for this jaunt to your past, sir. Sorry there are no seats but apparently the Time Lords of Gallifrey don't believe in creature comforts like the Puritans of your own country's history, uh, may I call you Fred? (Fred nodded absently while clinging for deasr life to some sort of dais or table covered with knobs, dials, push buttons and levers) Fine, Fred it is then. Yes, you had better hold on tightly. The ride can get a bit bumpy at times, Fred." said Charles, activating the controls while Fred stared out at the inky blackness of space.

In less time than it took Lucy to use her vidchip credit vidcard, Charles announced that they had reached their destination. The portals opened and Fred timidly peeked outside- into the middle of his Uncle Ebenezer Scrooge's study! There was the tall wardrobe that was always kept padlocked and which Fred and his playmates were forbidden to open! Fred and his playmate cousin Frieda (A female elf character from Those Who Hunt Elves), however, managed to filch the key while Uncle's butler was napping and they did open the forbidden wardrobe but Fred was too chicken to go inside it. Not the case for Frieda though! She entered and the poor elf maiden was never heard of again! Of course, Fred told Uncle Ebby that Frieda had been recalled to Elfland for a top secret mission. Uncle Ebby was a miser and a skinflint to be certain sure, but he tended to believe anything that was told to him!

"Stay out of that wardrobe, Fred. That's the entrance to another dimension which is where your cousin Frieda lives and she is havign the time of herr young life. (Fred looked puzzled) In Darn Ya Land, you never age like you do in this world. Ah, there is your Uncle Eb now and you as well, young Fred. Rather a dismal holiday for you, was it not, Fred?" said Garner sadly. Fred agreed and wished they could leave.

"OK, back to the TARDIS again. We have a couple more stops to go afore I hand you over to- well- you will see tomorrow night." Fred agreed and raced aboard, noticing that the outside now resembled a tea shoppe down by the Thames docks. Fred noticed now that the centre pylon on the dais or table was piledriving up and down like when one mines for fuller's-earth while a blue light flashed on and off above their heads.

"Lafayette, we are here. Someone I know says that a lot. Anyway, pull that big red lever and the portals will open. (Fred did so) Now, out you go and see yourself learning the ropes of your business, Fred." said Charles and Fred boldly walked outside. This time he passed through a portal in the middle of a wooden cigar srtore Indian chief that was becoming popular outside of London's tobacconist shoppes.

Fred glanced around the gleaming stell and chrome offices and soon spotted himself as a younger Frederick G Wilson seated behind a bank of old-fashioned vidphones. As he watched young Fred said only one of three words or phrases- 'Sell', 'Buy' or 'Stand Pat'.

"Oho. So you were a stock market broker's apprentice eh? And you called your Uncle Ebby a miserly skinflint! These fellows would skin Jack Sprat and he wouldn't even know they'd done it to him!" chortled Charles.

"NO! He's cut off, blast ye! No more credit fer that feller! Me final word on that, Williams!" snarled a tall skinny gentleman in a frock coat and spats. "That's my boss, Chuck. Mr Festering Wound. Oh but he was a hard man with a penny he was and he taught us-" Fred's voice trailed off and her became quite thoughtful.

"To be hard and unfeeling as well, did he not? (Fred reluctantly nodded) . He became your father-in-law, did he not? (Again Fred nodded) Seems his daughter (Lucinda) was just the opposite, isn't she, Fred?" asked Charles in a soothing voice.

"Yes. Yet I still love her very much even though she and 'Mama" are railroading us all to the Alms House." replied Fred glumsly. Charles consulted his PDO unit and frowned.

"Hmmn. I was supposed to show you your wedding and stuff, but I have another rather pressing engagement back on 'Shimougou' in AD 2270 so I think I'll just leave you now. Hope ya learned something, Freddy, me old boyo. See ya around maybe. G-Day mate." said Charles Garner, hopping throught 'Chief Kaw-Liga' and onto his TARDIS which soon whirred and buzzed before the tall wooden Indian chief winked out of sight, leaving a befuddled Fred standing on his own hearthrug back in AD 1850 London!

Fred was dozing when 'Big Benjamin's BONG! jolted him fully awake. Fred vaguely recalled that he had another appointment or two left. He wondered what the Spirit of Christmas Present would be like. He did not have to wonder long.

With a screeching of brakes, a black vintage Packard crashed through the wall of Uncle Ebby's great room and slid to a halt just inches away from the hearth rug upon which he stood! The Packard's doors dematerialized and a short slim svelte young lady climbed out from behind the steering wheel, tossed back her violet-coloured mane of long luxurious locks and pointed a gloved index finger at Fred.

"Mr Wilson, I presume, sir? You must be the little weasel I am supposed to show the error of his ways, are you not, sir?" she asked and all Fred could do was stare at her! She was wearing what looked like two yellow diapers across her breasts and another two across her nether regions. Long yellow gloves and red knee-high Cavalier boots completed her ensemble. A strange looking belt encircled her waist and from it depended a small holster and a short blue cylinder. Fred was sure he was in that place that Alice Liddell had found in that new best-sellin g children's book by Reverend Dodgson better known to modern day readers as Lewis Carroll!

End of Stave 3

Stave 4: "Goodness me! Where are my manners today? My name is Yuri Donovan (Another DP/DP Flash character) and uh, excuse me a sec. (She pulled out a small vidphone but much more sophisticated looking than the ones in 1850!) Oh yeah, Uncle Chuckie (Garner) said that I should tell you that I am the Spirit of Christmas Present and my job is to show ya all the fun you're missing out on this holiday season, man!

"Uh, we can travel in either one of two ways- your choice, Mr Wilson, sir. (Yuri was very polite, unlike- well- that is another tale) We can go by automobile- uh, you can drive if you like. I'm a bit rusty operating ancient junk wheels like this thing or we can use these. (She held up a weird looking contraption similar to the ones used by those characters in the video games that Ariana and Ritsuke and the Cratchit kids and grandkids played at the local arcade) They are called jet packs and we can really move w/ them on, man!" pleaded Yuri but Fred opted for the Packard and he insisted on driving it himself. This causewd Yuri to pout but then she smiled and said 'To each his own'. The dipstick Hellfire redheaded bimbo says that a lot, Mr Wilson."

"Uh, where are we going, Miss Donovan?" asked Fred, carefully reversing the huge limousine across the garden and onto the old road that ran past his Uncle's mansion. "And er where is the control to make this monster go up there?" added Fred and she laughed.

"Mr Wilson, this is an alternate Earthly time era. In the one I am used to, the Industrial Rebellion was not this technically advanced at all." she chortled. "Revolution, Miss Donovan, not Rebellion. I take it then that this boat does not fly? (Yuri nodded ruefully and Fred just could not take his eyes off the young girl who looked to be just a few years older than Ritsuke) OK, here we go. Where to first?" asked Fred and Yuri's gloved finger pointed towards Limehouse. "That way, please." she said with a yawn. Jetlag was always a problem for some time travellers.

"See? See all the fun these folks are hving instead of sitting inside of a dusty old mansion owned by a doddering old fool? My apologies. That's your Uncle Ebby's house, isn't it, sir? (Fred nodded and stared at the Chinese Coolies shooting off fireworks while a skinny old man dressed like Father Christmas handed out goodies to young and old alike.

Yuri continued to direct him to drive all across Londona and finally back to the mansion where his and Bobby's families were celebrating Christmas around the tallest tree he could ever remember being in the great hall these last seven years. Even Uncle Ebenezer was more or less sober today.

The old grandfather clock on the staircase landing struck the hour of twelve midnight and Yuri almost jumped out of the Snow White 'uniform' to which she had changed while Fred had been enjoying the caroling in Hyde Park. "Whoopsy! Time for me to leave you, Mr Wilson, sir. Have I helped you to see the error of your ways, sir. I sure hope to Dickens I have because, believe you me, sir, 'She Who WILL Be Obeyed' is next to come and that gal pulls no punches, man!" yipped Yuri, shaking Fred's hand and sliding behind the steering wheel of the long black limousine again.

Fred was staring at what was left of the three walls in his Uncle's home which the Packard had crashed through. Yuri grinned and pointed a weird device at the wall behind the automobile. "No magic, sir. But I can put back time for the three walls I drove through earlier so that part of the house will look the same as it did when Uncle Chuckie left you before I showed up. (Suiting action to her words, the device shimmered and hey presto! It was as if she had never been there that night.

"Uh- you should have done that after you backed out the vehicle, Miss Donovan?" pointed out Fred and she smiled, blew him a kiss and folded her arms while Yuri and her strange conveyance disappeared into the aether! Fred took a long long drink of 'Cuts the Mark' and promptly passed out! Nor did he awaken until he heard a gruff alcoholic tobacco ridden gravelly voice shouting for him to 'get yer lazy arse up, Willy me old boyo!'

End of Stave 4

Stave 5: Fred stared in shock at the apparition sitting on his couch across the room! Much taller than the last Spirit, this one was chunky statuesque redheaded bombshell who looked to be no more that 14 or 15 (In point of fact, Kei O'Halloran was 17 years old). She had her knees crossed and although this Spirit did wear knee-high black Cavalier boots like Miss Donovan had worn, there the similarity in attire ended.

'She Who WILL Be Obeyed' was dressed all in black from the top of her 'cycle speeder' helmet to the tips of her boots. She wore a leather jacklet, biker gloves and tight fitting black jeans! Encircling her slim waist was a wide belt identical to Yuri's. However, the holster attached to the belt contained a firearm much larger and looked to be much more powerful than the small pistol that Miss Donovan had worn. On the opposite side depended the same sized blue cylinder as that on Yuri's belt.

Kei was smoking a cigar and had helped herself to a tall tumbler of ambre liquor which Fred saw from the bottle in her left hand was his best 'Jameson's Irish Whiskey'! She scowled and pointed her tumbler at the grandfather clock on the landing.

"Let's get this here show on the road, pal. I ain't got all damned night ya know? I got other calls to make and miles to go afore I sleeps. (Fred stared at her and nodded his head) Sorry, guess Mr Froust ain't been born yet huh? OK, my bike's on the roof. Here. Better put this on so we don't get stopped by the cops, Willy." snarled the 'lady' whom Fred was certain sure had to be the-

"Spirit o' Kurisumasu er Christmas Future' at yer service, boyo. Now grab hold to my belt and just shut yer eyes." she ordered. Fred clapped the helmet on his head and took a firm grip on the blue cyclinder (OK, you guessed it! It's a 'laser sword' hilt!) depending from her belt and closed his eyes tightly!

They snapped open involuntarily when he heard the roar of her twin ion engines on her immense black 'skycycle'. "Hands around my waist and hang on tight but no funny business or I'll knock ya into the next time era. Got it, boyo? (Fred barked out a hoarse affirmative) Here we go! Wanna see me take my hands off the handlebars?" chortled Miss O'Halloran.

"NO! For God's sake, keep your eyes on the skyways please!" yelped Fred, hanging onto her waist for dear life.

"Huh? I thought this time era already had advanced far enough technologically to have flying transports? It don't?" asked a puzzled Spirit and Fred nodded and explained that although he was used to flying through the aether, it was always inside of a closed vessel, not speeding across the heavens in a punk rocker's skycycle!

"Let's go see how your partner's son 'Tiny Tim' is faring these days. We are going forwards quite a few years so hang on tight! Cowabonga, Dude!" screeched his companion on this wild ride. What day was this now? Fred had lost all track of time. Suddenly, the 'Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come' (Why Charlie D never said 'future' is beyond my ken, folks!) swooped low, avoiding some tall trees and finally screeched to a halt atop a decrepit old building festooned w/ ribbons and lights proclaiming to the entire world that the 'World's First Martial Arts Universal Tournament' was now taking place inside.

Fred and Kei walked through the padlocked roof portals and then through a few walls because Kei kept getting lost because, as usual, she was as drunk as Vino Dino Martinio! Finally they stopped and found themselves high above a wresting ring arena enclosed in a gigantic steel cage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Feast yer eyes on the centre ring. One fall or a submission to the winner! In this corner, weighing in at 350 kilograms (Well over 600+ pounds!) we have the champion and holder of the 'Golden Dragon Balls Belt', your friend and mine and an all around good guy, 'Mr Satan'! (The crowd roared probably because of the shower of credit notes being dumped on them from above!) And in this corner weighing in at (Here the short rotund announcer frowned at the vidnotes in his hand and sighed) Uh, weighing in at a weight so colossal that he has already broken three scales trying to determine his weight- is the challenger who has never been inside the ring much less- steel cage- before this day! Please welcome 'The Masked Exterminator' who has yet to be beaten in any fight outside of the squared circle!" howled ther ring announcer and a thunder of 'boos' and 'cat calls' greeted the monster that had stepped inside ring and cage and crashed through the canvas floor of the ring which had been reinforced for this bout with twelve layers of concrete!

'Mr Satan' stepped forward and shook hands with the big guy in the mask who grinned broadly when 'Mr Satan' explained that he had to 'make it look good' before he 'took a dive' allowing the champion to win and retain his 'GDB' Belt. 'The challenger guffawed and grabbed his opponent in a massive 'bear hug'! Then he tossed 'Mr Satan' lightly into the air and caught him in his arms. Next he raised his hapless and helpless opponent who was wishing that his belt also summoned mighty ShenRon for his three wishes, above his head and spun him about in the dreaded 'skysled spin'!

Suddenly he released the champion and landed a heavy 'haymaker right' into the poor guy's solar plexus region with so much force and power that 'Mr Satan' flew across the ring, throught the cage and several walls before his young daughter 'Videl' handed her baby to her hubby, 'Gohan Son', to hold while she launched herself skywards just in time to catch 'Daddy' before he had been catapulted out oif the building!

The announcer was perplexed and tongue-tied! This was neither a 3 count 'fall' nor was it a 'submission'! Then a short bald-headed guy named 'Krillin Wilkins' pointed out one of the little known rules for a steel cage match. The grateful announcer nodded his approval and lowered the vidmike.

"A rule that is hardly ever used anymore since the Saiyaans have been banned from competition in these matches is that if an opponent leaves the ring not under his own power, he is disqualified and the fighter remaining inside the ring and cage is deemed to be the winner or- in this case- we have a brand new champion and holder of the 'Golden Dragon Balls Belt'! And I believe that this lad needs a new moniker so- I proclaim him as a true hero and I dub him 'One-Punch Man'!" screamed the ring announcer to a thunder of applause, 'boos' and 'cat calls'.

Kei grinned when a medium sized and slightly built bald-headed guy stood, held up his hands for silence (And got it too!) and shook his head. "Sorry Dude but that name's already been taken. It belongs to me- Saitama, the 'One-Punch Man' hero Level C. (A strange looking taller guy dressed in black whispered into Saitama's ear) Correctiojn. Genos just reminded me that I am now a Level B hero. However, I think this guy should show us his face. Don't ya agree?" said Saitama, clapping his gloved hands together and raising them above his head. The room exploded with clapping and the new champ obligingly pulled off his mask causing poor Fred Wilson to almost fall off the beam they were standing on above the arena.

"Th-th-that's my kid! That's 'Tiny Tim' Wilson!" yelled Fred and Kei nodded and took another pull from the bottle she had filched from Fred's great room. "Yup. Sure has let himself go though, don't ya think? Didn't the kid ever hear of 'Neutron-System' or 'Pigs R Us', man? Whoops! (She held aloft the bottle of now almost depleted 'Jameson's' and frowned) This don't look good, boyo. I see a vacant reinforced tire seat propped against the fireplace and a half eaten Danish beside it and- Hey! Didn't the dipstick violet-maned minx vixen (Yuri Donovan) tell ya this crap already? (Fred shook his head) Well, in another few hours, yer kid will be meeting 'Hayneedle George' up there or down there. Sorry but we ain't allowed to give out them details, pal. Gettin' late so we had best be on our way." snapped Kei and soon they were rocketing towards 'The Temple' of London, where all major business is transacted at the 'Change.

Coming to a rest atop the steps of the London Stock Market aka the 'Change or properly put the 'Exchange', his compadrer pointed out 3 gentlemen conversing at the foot of the steps of the huge building. They resembled 'Simon LeGree', 'Dr FuManchu' and 'The Claw'. So secretive and crooked were they that they were known to each other only as 'A', 'B' and 'C' respectively.

"How'd he die?" asked 'A'. "I heard tell that the poor ganged up on him because he was so stingy and cracked his skull open." replied 'B' who was forever insulting the poor. "Nah. Jest a simple little heart attack I heard. But the administrators of his estate are still looking for his money!" observed 'C' who was fingering a long silver dagger encrusted with precious gems. (We must forgive this trio. After all, they have not foreclosed on a widow or even stole a bone from a dog in more than a week!)

"I heard that not even his widow and kids are gonna attend his funeral." added 'C' with a grin. "Well, tickets to that new rollercoaster ride in Hyde Park, the 'Twisted Brother-In-Law' are hard to come by these days so you cannot really blame them, can you?" chuckled 'B'. "Oh I don't mind going to see off the old coot- if a substantial luncheon is provided." put in 'A'.

"Yes, I will also attend but it had better not be 'Plantburgers' from 'Burger Princess' and those dreadful tacos from 'Taco Big Benjamin's' again like when we planted his uncle." warned 'B' and they all laughed and went on their merry ways. Fred was befuddled, a condition he seemed to have acquired when Charles had walked in earlier today, yesterday, next week, a hundred years ago-

Kei sighed and tossed the empty bottle into the gutter. "One more thing, kiddo. Then- I told ya there is some things I can't tell ya, baby." said the final Spirit and off they roared to Limehouse by the Thames docks. Soon they landed beside a decrepit old warehouse and she led the way through the walls and portals within as usual. This was so old hat to Fred by now that it no longer frightened nor surprised him. A tall thin cadaverous gentleman sat on a high chair clutching his silver-knobbed walking stick.

Seated around a huge deal table were- Messieurs 'A', 'B' and 'C' whom Fred recognized immediately.

"Does anyone object to my going first?" demanded 'C', brandishing his dagger. 'A' and 'B' nodded glumly but said nothing.

"See what I er 'found' in my travels this day, 'Mr Collins', sir." said the silky-voiced 'C'. "Get on with it, man! I have to be back in my coffin before cockcrow in this blasted country." snarled 'Barnabus Collins' (TV's 'Dark Shadows') and 'C' unfurled his bundle filled with cheap knick-knacks that you can still find at fairs and giveaways at local stores. Their host yawned and held up three crooked fingers that were almost transparent after all these centuries. "Pounds?" asked 'C' hopefully and the other shook his head. 'Credits. Three credits, pal. Take it or leave it." said Collins. 'Done, sir." said 'C' and 'A' elbowed 'B' back from the table and dumped out his 'loot'.

"Well. Vidtapes and a player/recorder as well. Does the dashed thingamabob work, sir?" Collins leaned forwards and fitted a vidtape into its slot on the gadget. "It's a real good thing the old fool's outta the country, 'Mr A'. Otherwise he'd never let me sell 'Collins House' to you. And are you sure you can only afford ten million? Sorry but no, Steven- oh do stop howling, will you? I-" SNAP!

"Now how did that get in there I wonder?" said a red-faced 'Mr A'. "If that tape means what I think it means, my friend, you are going to owe me five million Quid. However, ten, no, seven credits." said Collins. 'A' knew never to look a gift horse in the mouth because vampires do not like to be cheated so he readily agreed to the offer.

"Now open my own bundle, Barney, old boyo. (Fu was spending too much time with Nayland-Smith these days) See? I used my black magic to shrink the whole bedroom suite- oh my! That looks like the same suit they dressed him in at the mortician's house. Well, he won't catch cold where he's going, I daresay, what?" chortled 'B'.

"Twelve and six credits and triple pennies. Now, let us see what it looks like full-sized, sir." said Collins eagerly. 'B' grinned and held out his thin spidery hand on which the yellow fingernails were a full foot and a half long! "That, sir, will cost you another five hundred Guineas, if you please. My magic spells are not cheap, my dear Collins." replied 'B'.

"One more stop I forgot about, Willy. And away we go." said his guide, stopping outside of the gates of the spookiest graveyard Fred had ever seen! "See that small tombstone? Yeah, whatta ya wants on yer Tombstone? It's a joke that was old long before now. Oh uh, yeah, did I mention that I can both 'mind read' and 'mind send'? Yuri can too but she's not very good at it. OK, moment of truth, boyo. Go read the writing on that stone. Hold it. Lemme illuminate things for ya." growled the Spirit, igniting her blue laser sword and directing its beam over Fred's shoulders and onto the soft soapstone grave marker.

"My God! 'Ebenezer Scrooge'!" read Fred and the drunk realized they were in the wrong graveyard! "Whoopsy! Wrong place. Hang on a sec, kid. There! (There was a blinding flash of light and the pair were now standing around a sloppy rain-soaked grave marker while the heavens had opened above the duo. Kei pointed the blue beram of her laser sword and suddenly it flickered and went out! They were in totally complete darkness and Kei cursed a few time causing even Fred to blush!)

"Hang on. Keep yer eyes glued to that stone and don't flinch. CRAACCKK! Kei had drawn her own Mark XIII ion cannon and fired it at the stone which disintegrated completely but not before Fred had seen the name carved on it in the gunflash!

'Frederick G Wilson'/'He held a credit until it hollered for help!' His birth date was below it and the year of his death not too many years distant from AD 1850! Then the crying and pleading started. Kei yawned and hopped aboard her skycycle and roared off. "Enjoy yer life, boyo- what ya got left of it anyhow! Ha ha ha ha!" she screeched over her shoulder.

BUMP! Fred Wilson picked himself up off the floor and shook his head to clear the cobwebs! But was he indeed too late?

"Alexandria, what day is this?" he asked into the aether. "Had a few too many, huh? OK. I'll bite. It's like Christmas Day, Mr Drunkie." replied his 1850 version of the Echo Senior. "Cool! I ain't missed it then. Have Christmas Dinners for the poor transported to them all across London. Spare no expenses, my dear. How much do I pay you?" asked Fred. "Nothing, Stupid. I'm a machine, remember? But it does get a bit lonely around here. How about a 'Dr Watson' to keep me company, Freddie?" suggested the husky female voice from the aether. "Consider it done, Alley-Cat! Order one for yourself immediately.

"I'm as happy as an angel/as merry as a schoolboy/as giddy as a drunken man/as-" yelped Fred. "ya got the last one right, Frederick dear. Merry Christmas, Darling. What'd I get from old St Nicky?" bubbled Lucinda closely followed by Ariana and Ritsuke. The Cratchits hurried down the stairs, vidcellphones glued to their ears.

"I said sell dammit! What? The 'Change is closed today? What the Hell for, George? Oh, it is? Sorry, slipped me mind. But you be in the office all the earlier tomorrow, got it? oh yeah. Heil H- I mean Merry Christmas. Bye." said Peter Cratchit who was the real brains of 'WSC' and as shrewd and miserly as his father's Uncle Ebby.

"Better change yer tune if ya know what's good fer ya, son. Otherwise you too will have a visit from the Spirits, me boyo. Open that one first Belinda and where's our Martha?" asked a totally changed Fred Wilson. "Don't ya remember, Pop? She's the director of the 'Higurashi Mall's Christmas Parade today." said a pleasingly plump Timothy Cratchit, mouth full of Grandma's fruitcake again. (Fred reached for the bell pull cord) Forget it, dear. Rose is with Martha helping to sober up our Santa again this year." explained Lucinda who was strikingly lovely in her yellow lounge outfit- 'a steal at only twelve thousand, Darling'.

OK. Not to bore ya with the rest of the mushiness let me just say this. As Tiny Timothy observed-

"God bless us everyone and please pass the mashed potatoes and gravy. Any plum pudding left? Where are the Christmas crackers, Pop? Who was that guy and them two broads you was with down here last night, Pop?"

"What two broads, Frederick G Wilson?" demanded you-know -who.

FINIS. Always wanted to use that instead of the trite and overused-

THE END!

OK you know the drill by now. Please Read/Review/Suggest. I still have Places and Victors to finish before Kurisumasu Ibu er Christmas Eve in Hokkaido.- Story Teller Guy for keiman and kei aka the Keiman of Anime.


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